I found something out which I guess I didn’t know existed. Monday, November 19th, was International Men’s Day.  I didn’t know this was a thing.  But apparently, there is a day where men can be celebrated.  While I am all about celebrating the marginalized, the oppressed and the forgotten, celebrating the male species I think is a good thing and should be a good thing!  While a lot of women could argue “every day seems like it’s man’s day,” the day in the life of a dude isn’t always as easy as you think. 

Guys are expected not to cry, not to show too much emotion and to “act manly.”  So most guys choose to keep their guard up constantly and “protect themselves.”  It’s no wonder why guys choose to spend long amounts of time in the bathroom…so that they can let their guard down for a few minutes.  Whether that’s healthy or not, it is true. Being an “emotional man” isn’t generally encouraged by others but is generally prohibited by cultural standards.  All guys need a time and place to process their thoughts, feelings and emotions.  And for many men, that’s hard to do.

In the general sense, men are aggressive.  Throughout history, men have been fighters, militant and contentious.  It’s in our nature to brawl, roughhouse and to scrap from time to time. While these attributes seem “normal” to most men, it is combative, chauvinistic and arrogant to others.  So we pull back.  We stifle ourselves.  We choose to bury our vigor and the fight in us.  That’s hard for men to do on a daily basis and it can be exhausting.

Most guys have a hard time expressing themselves because it can be perceived as weakness.  While that’s not true, men have a hard time finding the vocabulary to say how they really feel.  When asked “how’s it going?”, we choose to say, “fine” and call it a day.  If your boyfriend, husband or dad gives you a one-word answer, it’s not that he doesn’t care-he just doesn’t know how to express himself or doesn’t want to express himself.   Don’t get me wrong, men CAN express themselves at different times: At a musical festival for example, guys are great at taking their shirt off and jumping around screaming in a “mosh pit.”  And most men don’t have a hard time expressing themselves at a football game.  Truth be told, we are great at being emotional at sporting events.  That’s where we let out our aggression and pent up frustration at the refs!  But are we really yelling at the referees? Or are we really “yelling” at our co-worker who isn’t pulling his weight at work or the neighbor who can’t keep his yard groomed for at least longer than a week.  Probably both! While we are saying “you suck, ref” from the outside, we are really letting out our emotional frustrations at the world around us from the inside and we are yelling at the refs because they are bias.

Men also have a hard time finding and keeping spiritual drive.  Prayer can be emotional, life groups make us vulnerable, church can questionable and sin can be shameful. Shame is the biggest defeater of a man’s confidence and the greatest enemy of authentic connection between him and God.  Shame compels guys to remove themselves and put themselves into hiding. Shame leads to isolation.  Guys seem to feel the most shame when it comes to sexual sin.  In a sexually-driven and centered culture, temptation tends to get the best of us. We feel like we are failures and we give up.  Shame has a tendency to drain a man’s “spiritual drive” leaving him feeling complacent and defeated.

 

All of these factors above (and of course others) can affect the spiritual confidence of men. The New Young Christian believes that strong men lead to strong relationships, strong relationships become strong families and strong families make a strong churches.  I’ve been married for 22 years. And I have had to learn to find the rhythm of praying for my family, helping my family to understand the love of God through reading the Bible and spiritually leading my family into the future God has for us.  I firmly believe my times of inviting the presence of God into the presence of my family has helped our family to remain strong, together, respectful and loving throughout all our time together.  

Guys want a place to come home to that is peaceful, encouraging and inspirational.  I firmly believe our homes should be the place of the most peace, love and joy than anywhere else on the planet.  This won’t just happen.  It has to be intentional.  And the intentionality starts with men choosing to give priority to their spiritual lives. The spiritual atmosphere at home changes when men choose to fill it with prayers, Scriptures and the presence of God. I firmly believe that when guys choose to prioritize their spiritual lives everyone around them (with their roommates, their girlfriend, their wife, their kids, etc) will experience a difference.

But that’s not always easy to do.

From the men I have talked to, home is one of the hardest places to seek God in. 

 

This begs the question: why do men struggle to be spiritual leaders at home?  

First of all, it’s a spiritual battle (Ephesians 6:12). If there is no prayer at home, then there will be no power at home, and the enemy wins. Second, prayer seems unproductive to an “outcome-driven” man. He may consider it a waste of time.  When we don’t see the results, we become frustrated and we can give up. Third, we still wrestle with our own weaknesses and wounds and that immobilizes us with guilt and shame (2 Corinthians 12:9).   Fourth, we convince ourselves that we’re not good at being spiritual leaders, so we avoid the potential failure.  So we give that role to our wives, our girlfriend or the most spiritual person in our homes.  Finally, we’ve underestimated our influential role at home to model humility and desperation after God (Psalm 63:1). Men have lost their spiritual drive and it’s time to get it back.

 

5 Ways Men Can Get Their Spiritual Drive Back:

 

One.  Remember you are a son, first

All of us have fathers that have let us down in some way, shape and form.  And none of us were the perfect child.  But God is a perfect Father.  And He calls you, “son.” Even when Jesus was asked about “how to pray,” the first stanza in Jesus answer of how to pray as a disciple is that we are to look up to God and call him “Father.”  And if He is our Father then that makes us His sons.  We have been adopted into the family of God through the Holy Spirit (Romans 8:15).   When we pray and lead our families as “sons of God” it reminds us that we have a Father who loves us deeply and sincerely cares about our every need.  And a Father’s affirmation helps us as men to “go the distance.”  Even Jesus needed the affirmation of the Father as a Son when He was living and “doing life and ministry.” Of the three times God spoke from heaven, two of them were affirmations to Jesus of “this is My beloved Son.”  (Matthew 3:17). If Jesus needs that reminder to be a spiritual leader, so do the guys in your life. 

 

 

Two.  Embrace the grace

Embrace the grace God has given you to love Jesus personally so you can influence those around you spiritually.  God’s grace (favor and acceptance of you) not only saved you but sustains you (Ephesians 2:8-10). Nothing can separate you from the love of God and His plans and future He has for you and your family.  No matter what kind of week you have had as a man of God, God’s love for you hasn’t changed.  Because God doesn’t change.  He’s not more in love with you today than He was yesterday.  He doesn’t love you less because you sinned more.  No way! He’s the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8). God loved you before you ever loved Him (Romans 5:8).  It’s the same love God has for Jesus, His Son, is the same love God has for you.  Grace is the acceptance of God you can never earn but simply receive.  Sin will always disqualify your acceptance of God but grace will always amplify your acceptance by God.  When it seems like the world is always against you, remember that God is always for you.  And if God is for you, who can be against you (Romans 8:31).  You have what it takes to be the man your family needs…and wants!

 

Three.  Eliminate busyness

As men, if we don’t eliminate our busyness, we just may eliminate our souls. Developing a lifestyle of leaving early before work and staying late to earn a paycheck or position is not a sustainable for any spiritual leader. It’s time for us as men to take a hard but practical look at the busyness that our life accrues.  We have to slow down and inventory the choices we are making daily that are sabotaging our peace and compelling us to rush, achieve and overcommit.  Confronting the “idolatry of speed” that is causing so much emotional and relational trauma for us and our families is important. There’s never been a more sobering moment as a man than to “be still and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10).

 

 

Four. Leverage the table

Most guys love to eat.  So make your eating time your devotional time.  Take a moment at the dinner table to simply share what you read in the Bible over the last week.  Or get a quick devotional you can read at the table and ask your family what they think about what you read (you have a captive audience-so why not use that time-this is what I did!).  It doesn’t have to be a theological discussion.  They probably don’t want that right then, anyhow!  They just want to interact with you and have you be present and engaged as a boyfriend, husband and father.  They want to hear you talk about God and inspire them to keep going after God.  Also, I have made it a practice to “eat the Bible” before I eat breakfast.  That means for me to simply meet with God before I do anything else (of course I brew my coffee-not brewing coffee could be the most “unspiritual” thing I do in the morning).  It’s finding a Scripture reading plan or a devotional book and a routine that works for you.  We are all different as men and so our spiritual routines will be different for everybody.  If you seek first the Kingdom of God (Matthew 6:33), all the other things come together for the day and give you strength to finish the day strong.

 

Five.  Grab the moment when you got it

With the fast-paced world we live in, take advantage of your family’s “life needs,” and pray at the moment. Spontaneous prayers are necessary in the hustle of the busy man.  These continuous short prayers can model the genuine and personable God we serve. I have found this to bring confidence, courage and consistency to my spiritual leadership. These are prayers in the moment. Prayers that “seek God first” before the issues come. These spontaneous prayers are short (30 seconds or so), they are unannounced (just pray out loud), and they involve touch (hold a hand, shoulder, hug, etc).  For example:

• What if the girl of your dreams shared her heart with you, and after listening, you held her hand and, with no formal announcement, asked Jesus for His help and comfort (Hebrews 13:6).

• Your daughter comes home distraught because of the “mean girl at school,” and you, without announcement and with eyes wide open, say, “Lord, comfort my daughter and be there for her. Provide her with friends who will build her up—not tear her down (Phillippians 4:19).

• At the dinner table, your son tells the family that he was bullied at recess, and you immediately say to your family, “Let’s grab hands, pray, and ask God for wisdom” (James 1:5).

It might not feel that spiritual in moment but it is critical for the future.  You and your family are moving heaven, your girl is amazed because you are leading her closer to God and your kids are seeing you be the dad they never knew they had!