It’s easy to get it wrong. How do I know this? I’ve stood in front of a mirror, looked at myself and said, “dang, I look good.” Then, within that same 10 second window, to have my wife walk by and say, “are you wearing that? That doesn’t look good on you, babe.” I thought my hotness level was at a 10. I didn’t even register on the scale. So I changed and am now realizing she loves my personality. Not my fashion choices!
Some people do not want any advice. Some people listen to only “one kind” of advice. Some are very open to our peers but are adverse to the counsel of older people. Many of us only are open to the opinions of people who are of our own economic level, our own race, gender or political persuasion.
The “Christian walk” is all about forward motion. It’s about getting you to places that God has ordained for you and that will unlock your destiny. it’s about moving forward into the future that God has for you. And that will require you to make decisions that will move you closer spiritually, financially, relationally , emotionally into God’s will for your life.
The average adult from a university study at Cornell found out that you will make an average of 35,000 decisions a day … And 227 involve food! I can relate! Even as you are reading this, you are asking yourself where you are wanting to go eat after you finish this post (you'‘re not alone-I am too!). We are bombarded by decisions we have have to make each day. Some of these decisions are easy but some are hard. And they can paralyze us. We can become overwhelmed to the point of even indecision. But let’s take Bear Grylls advice on making decisions to survive,
“Survival is about Being fearless.It’s about making a decision, Getting on and doing it. Because I want to see my kids again Or whatever the reason might be.” - Bear Grylls
Essentially Bear Grylls is saying that if you want to survive it’s about making decisions in moving forward. And just like needing Bear to give us a kick in the butt, we need people to help us make decisions. We need a “second opinion circle.”
What is a second opinion circle? It’s a group of people that you trust that can give context, advice and a second opinion to the decision you have to make. If you’re going to make a decision you need other people to be involved in your life. You’re going to need a community that can help filter your thoughts, feelings an ideas that you have. To not have this, according to the Bible, is foolish. Solomon, known in antiquity and the Scriptures as the wisest man who ever lived, gave this advice when trying to make decisions:
“For lack of guidance a nation falls but victory is won through many advisers.” - Proverbs 11:14
“Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise but the companion of fools suffer harm.” - Proverbs 13:20
“Plans fail for lack of counsel but with many advisers they succeed.” - Proverbs 15:22
“Surely you need guidance to wage war and victory is won through many advisers.” Proverbs 24:6
It comes down to the singular question, “Are you willing to suspend your own opinion about what you believe about your situation and submit it to someone else to speak into it who is trusted, wiser, and committed to seeing you get you to the best place that you need to be in life?” This question is hard for many of us. And it think the reason it is hard is because we have lost confidence in the institutions, authorities and other sources of cultural credibility that once held a higher value. Our parents, police, president and those voices we have elevated to a place of wisdom have diminished in their reliability and so have those people . So we choose to distance ourselves from them and do it on our own . But God has designed all of us to have community and covering. While no one is perfect, God desires you to have a group of people you can trust, that believe in you and are helping you advance farther in life and deeper in God.
In the Bible, Peter is also speaking and inspiring those in his Biblical community to do the same. Peter writes it this way:
“In the same way, you who are younger, submit yourselves to your elders. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, ‘God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.’ Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.” 1 Peter 5:5-6
Being a New Young Christian means that no matter what season you are in life, there is someone who has lived through it. That person is typically wiser and more experienced than you. The word “elder” is a word that is used for those who are not just older, but those who have lived through where you need to go. They are farther along in the journey ahead of you. For example, if you are wanting to go college or start your own business, find that person you trust that has started their own business and ask them about the difficulties. Talk to someone who has been married for a few years and ask about the challenges of having a spouse. Find another mom who has lived through the “baby stage” of life and let them tell you about the “life hacks” of navigating the season. Find someone who has gone off to college and have them talk about the difficulties of staying connected to God while away from home. Talk to someone who quit their job to try a different field and find out that it’s not as easy as it looks. It’s not as much about age as it is about experience. A second opinion circle has voices in it that are trusted by you who have gone ahead of you to tell you what the terrain is like, where the path can be difficult and the places along your journey to avoid.
God shows us in this verse that the hardest part of this will be your pride. You can tell there is pride in your life when you have said these things:
I got my job on my own and I don’t need someone to open the door for me.
I just feel like I won’t like it, so why bother trying.
I don’t need my parents to tell me what to do.
They don’t know how hard it is to be single in 2019 and trying to find the right person.
Everyone says he’s not right for me, but they don’t know him like I do and I know he loves me..
I just feel like I need to do this for me and you don’t get me.
Pride is essentially saying: you can do it yourself. That you don’t need community or covering. That’s why humility is necessary when building your second opinion circle. It’s admitting that you CAN’T DO IT ALONE and that others are necessary. It’s admitting the you don’t have all the answers and that others do. It’s inviting others into your decision-making process and asking them to speak into your current situation. And not just those who agree with you but those who want the best for you. That is humility and when you humble yourself, you are lifted up to the places that God always had in mind for you!
HOW TO BUILD A SECOND OPINION CIRCLE:
One. Be a teachable person.
Being teachable means that you are capable of receiving instruction. Teachability is an attitude that will never stop learning. Matt Keller says it is, "Being willing to relearn what we think we already know." Early on as leaders many of us have it because we are new. However, the more successful you become, the less teachable you become. The Rich Young Ruler was successful professionally, personally and spiritually (Matthew 19:16-22). He was influential with many speaking about him but with no one speaking into him. Jesus encounters this young adult, looked at him, loved him and corrected him. But when Jesus pointed out a flaw in his path to success, he resisted. He walked away sad and essentially missing out on following Jesus (maybe even being one of the 12 disciples). Who has permission in your life to tell you the truth, even when things seem to be going great for you?
“Jesus answered, ‘If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.’ When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth.” Matthew 19:21-22
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Two. Realize your friends aren’t always right
Even though you may have friends who give you their opinions, they aren’t always right. While we love our friends, they don’t always give the best advice. You’ve experienced it when they have the day off tomorrow and want you to call in sick for work tomorrow. Or make you go to that move that “everyone’s talking about” and you find yourself sitting there thinking, “this is 2 hours I won’t get back and $12 I will never see again.” Rehoboam, a young man taking on the new position of King, knew this pressure. When becoming King, he had his group of friends giving him advice on some decisions he should make during his first week in office. Then there were those that have been around a while who offered him advice on how they thought he should lead. Solomon chose his friend and the result ended up splitting the Kingdom in half! His circle didn’t have those who thought differently and saw things from a different perspective. They were living in an illusion of invulnerability. Find people who are outside of your normal thinking, age and expertise. Invite them in to give you their perspective. It may help you avoid some very big missteps!
“Then King Rehoboam consulted the elders who had served his father Solomon during his lifetime. “How would you advise me to answer these people?” he asked. They replied, “If today you will be a servant to these people and serve them and give them a favorable answer, they will always be your servants.” But Rehoboam rejected the advice the elders gave him and consulted the young men who had grown up with him and were serving him.” 1 Kings 12:6-8
Three. Find people farther than you
Find the people around you who are modeling where you want to go. Find people who have gone before you and have walked through your life stage to coach you through it. Find someone who is similar in strengths and personality with you and ask them how they have dealt with the personality traits that can sabotage. A mentor represents the direction of where you want to go and/or who you want to become. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to intentionally pursue friendships and relationships with people who are smarter, more skilled and simply ‘better’ than me. To become a better person and leader, spend time with people who are better than you and who have lived farther than you. Faithfulness celebrates progress more than success. Find people who didn’t give up. Look for people who chose to go the distance.
“For this reason I have sent to you Timothy, my son whom I love, who is faithful in the Lord. He will remind you of my way of life in Christ Jesus, which agrees with what I teach everywhere in every church.” 1 Corinthians 4:17